Friday, August 15, 2008

Not sure if my journey has begun. I feel I am still sitting back at the starting line in fear to start. I am in this place where I have many good ideas of what I should do for myself in my life but I just can not get moving, it all scares me, but it also scares me to not move. I think the issue is that there is still so much in limbo with my life, professionally, personally, and surroundings. I understand why they say to not make any big decisions or moves during tragic and traumatic times. This move right now might just kill me. I have to find a way to pull it all together for the next few weeks so I can then try and start to heal at my own pace. The fear is overwhelming at the moment in every sense of the word. Up again writing this at 2 in the morning. It is almost comforting this time of the day, the world is quiet, there are no other distractions. Not good though, not a good way to productive during the day. I keep telling myself I am practicing for when I am able to have a baby, I will kind of know what it feels like. Any mothers reading this I am sure are scoffing at this comment because I have no idea really what that is like. I have been taking little pictures with my camera the past few days, and I have been taking close ups of feet, hands, ears, noses, eyebrows, etc. Interesting, and I wonder if I could analyze that a bit. Maybe my need to slim things down to the minute, like for example having to concentrate in the day, ok, wake up, get out of bed, take a shower, blah, blah. Am I attempting to gain a grasp of what is around me. Or could it have been the intense focus while pregnant on the little body parts and how they all develop in their own time while in utero. Who knows, but that is my thing right now. Ok, off till next time.

Friday, August 8, 2008

The Beginning of ?

Well, I am now on the beginning of my journey. It is hard to describe where I have been, but I am ready to leave. Many different facets to that comment. But it is now time to become self actualized. **POOF** Wouldn't that be nice if it could happen that quick. This will be a journey of will of determination of focus and darnit, just fun and laughter. This is my time to live my life and live the way I want to live it, screw everyone else, well not everyone else I guess. I am sounding a bit lofty, but I do intend a great deal. This will be the new me. I am done and ready to live. Too much of this society is handed to us in a way we can just sit in our rooms and watch things go by and watch others live the lives we would like to have. Well no longer, I want to live it and plus other people aren't doing it right! This is it people. Who knows, you might be reading this and some day be thinking oh my goodness so, this is how the first president of the WORLD started, and sidenote, FEMALE president of the world! Love it!! My first endeavor on this journey is to pick up a camera. I am going to start journaling this journey of mine for myself and all of you out there. Nothing racy or crazy, just the truth. My other part of this journey will be marking what I realize about myself, who I truly am, and marking my steps in discovering this. Whew, wow, this is quite a little goal for myself, exciting and scary all at the same time. It can't be any worse from what has been before this. So lets move on out! Oh maybe a pic to start out with? Ok.