Friday, August 15, 2008

Not sure if my journey has begun. I feel I am still sitting back at the starting line in fear to start. I am in this place where I have many good ideas of what I should do for myself in my life but I just can not get moving, it all scares me, but it also scares me to not move. I think the issue is that there is still so much in limbo with my life, professionally, personally, and surroundings. I understand why they say to not make any big decisions or moves during tragic and traumatic times. This move right now might just kill me. I have to find a way to pull it all together for the next few weeks so I can then try and start to heal at my own pace. The fear is overwhelming at the moment in every sense of the word. Up again writing this at 2 in the morning. It is almost comforting this time of the day, the world is quiet, there are no other distractions. Not good though, not a good way to productive during the day. I keep telling myself I am practicing for when I am able to have a baby, I will kind of know what it feels like. Any mothers reading this I am sure are scoffing at this comment because I have no idea really what that is like. I have been taking little pictures with my camera the past few days, and I have been taking close ups of feet, hands, ears, noses, eyebrows, etc. Interesting, and I wonder if I could analyze that a bit. Maybe my need to slim things down to the minute, like for example having to concentrate in the day, ok, wake up, get out of bed, take a shower, blah, blah. Am I attempting to gain a grasp of what is around me. Or could it have been the intense focus while pregnant on the little body parts and how they all develop in their own time while in utero. Who knows, but that is my thing right now. Ok, off till next time.

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